Worry not. Although mother nature has been throwing countless natural disasters in my vicinity, I somehow manage to remain close enough for people to speculate about my death, but far away enough to remain completely unscathed. My friend was actually a couple hundred miles south of Hanoi (where I am) in a place called Hoi An (that was hit hard by the typhoon), and had to be evacuated out of the second floor of his hotel by boat. Little rain here, but that's about it. Earthquake was in Indonesia - no longer there, but hopefully my unborn children and baby mamas made it out all right.
This is obviously good news, but what I really wanted to write to you guys about is the experience I had in Laos. There's a place there called Vang Vieng. I really think it was the coolest, craziest place I've ever been. It's about 3 hours north of Vientien, the capital of Laos. It's a pretty small place - only a handfull of streets, and it's on the Nam Song river. THE thing to do there is called "tubing." Let me walk you through a typical day of it:
Wake up. Get breakfast at one of the many restaurants, all of which have the exact same menu. There are probably about 2 or 3 "Friends" restaurants, that just play episodes of friends on TVs non-stop, and 1 or 2 Family Guy ones. We obviously opted for the family guy establishments. The tables are only about a foot high, and are in open air bamboo huts. There are no chairs, just 3 or 4 foam pads w/ blankets and pillows around the table - amazing if you are hungover. Go back and get ready, which consists of removing all of your clothes and belongings. You leave the house wearing a bathing suit, a little waterproof bag on a string around your neck with money in it, shit sunglasses that you don't care if you lose, and if you choose, flops or something on your feet (I bought crocs for the occaison - nohomo).
At about 1ish you go to the tubing place to get your tube, which is a giant black rubber innertube (actually used for truck tires). This costs $5, plus a $5 deposit, of which you lose $2 if you bring it back after 6pm (which you will). They give you a number which represents the amount of people who rented tubes that day. I was 169 the second day. Then you jump on a "tuk tuk," which is basically a giant pickup truck with benches in the back - there are three wheeled and four wheeld varieties. They cram about 10 to 15 people into the back of these things, the last couple people hanging off the back with tube in hand. The rest of the tubes go on the roof. Drive about 3 or 5km upstream to the first bar. You get there and there is just a pile of 30 or 40 tubes in front, the bar is all bamboo and straw and whatever and it's right on the water. Every single bar on the river has free shots. Some just don't charge you, others just leave the bottle and glasses on a table. The shots are almost exclusively something called Lao Lao, which is basically just Laos moonshine. Clear, grain alchohol, probably about 70-90% alcohol. Lethal. Many of the bottles are from other types of liquors, some are blank, and some have dead animals inside of them. Snakes, geckos, scorpions....one had about 50 giant wasps the size of your thumb - sick sick shit, but you will do probably about 1 to 2 shots per bar. The locals say the animals have healing properties or something.
The first bar has a giant trapeeze kind of swing that is probably about 40 feet above the river. A few sticks nailed to a tree with some crude guard rails and a little platform up to the launch point. You jump off, swing as much as you'd like, and drop about 15 to 20 feet into the water below. Swim back to the bar, do a shot of lao lao, head to the next place. Best place ever. To get to the next bar, obviously, you "tube." You grab your tube and jump in the water, drink your beer, relax for a minute, paddle if you'd like, or just let the current take you. When you get close to the next bar, a little Lao boy will throw you a bottle of water on a string, which you grab, and then hold on to while he pulls you in. These kids are crack shots. You're not even paying attention, next thing you know there's a rope in your lap, you grab it, and you're instantly at the next place. Each place is a little different, but pretty similar to the first. The second one has giant deck/dance floor, huge zip line, 20 foot diving platform, etc. All are blasting techno. For the first hour or two on the first day you literally just cannot get over how cool it is, and how you've never heard of it until now. The party pretty much migrates together, as each bar thins out, everyone heads to the next one. If you end up being one of the last people, you will end up tubeless (b/c people come without and then steal them), and have to swim downstream.
Third bar is mud volleyball and mud pit tug o war. Reminiscient of mods circa 2006. Everyone covered in mud. There's a hose people spray themselves down with. When I was there, there was a fat local woman masterbating with it in front of everyone. (I also later discovered that she blew some random Aussie guy one day while tubing in the dark down the river - gross - for some reason he offered this information - good for him though).
4th or 5th bar is buy a beer get a free joint. You literally buy a beer (which by the way are 22oz Beerlaos - cost, about $1US), and they hand you a ready-rolled cannon. Everyone just blazes right at the bar and then continues tubing, stoned. There are probably about 7 or so bars in total. One of them has a giant slide that launches you into the river, and a giant mud covered hill up to the bar which you could literally spend hours just watching drunk people fall down - slipperiest thing ever. Crocs for life. One of the last ones has a giant sign that just says "psychedelic mushrooms" - you can buy shakes with shrooms in them. Not on the river while wasted - Mr. Responsible.
They say you shouldn't come home in the dark, but the both days we did it, it was pitch black. After the last bar, it's about a 45 minute tube downstream back to where you started (with the tubes and your hotel). You basically link up with 10 to 20 strangers and hold on to each others tubes, drinking beers on the way down in a giant mass we dubbed the "hemoglobin." It's not really that dangerous, but about a 3 or 4 days before we went, some guy died. We met people who stayed in his guesthouse and said he was to the point of not being able to stand, and on a ton of shrooms, etc. The water is very shallow at points and the current is not that strong. Even if you fell out in the very middle it'd only be a 40 or 50 foot swim to the shore. If you're conscious you should be fine. Here's an article on the guy that died http://blogs.nzherald.co.nz/
Finally, you're tubing in the dark and this little army of 7 year old girls just pop out of the water like swamp thing, dragging you to the side and panting, for which you throw them a few bucks. Return the tube, go shower, go eat, and then head back out to the bars. There are only about 3 or 4 bars everyone goes to. One closes at 12 one at 2, and the last at 6. Everyone just migrates to each as they close. Some you have to walk on a tiny little foot bridge over the river to get to. There are really no rules of any kind at these places and if you tubed that day, you know everyone in the bar. Lao lao obviously pervades yet again, as does the blatant public drug use. People smoking opium/weed, doing shrooms, drinking, dancing, etc. At the one place we were at, people were smoking something called "Yabba," which we later discovered was Crystal Meth. The most responsible thing I did in my 48 hours in Vang Vieng was not smoke crystal meth. Go me. Anywho, this is long winded, but you get the idea. I didn't want to leave out any details b/c each little thing really adds to how insane it is. You party basically until the sun comes up, sleep 8 hours and repeat. First morning I woke up covered in my own urine a la Werner. Second day it took 50 mg of blueman group to keep the party going. Third day I literally laid in my hotel in the dark for 24 full hours feeling like I was going to die. Really the best thing ever. Kind of an obscure place, and a little tough to get to, but if you ever have the chance - get there.
In other news, last night I cut open a snake at dinner, pulled out his still beating heart, put it in a shot glass, filled it with rice wine and pounded it, still beating, hands bloodied. Then I proceeded to eat snake prepared various ways.
That is all. I'll try and supplement the tubing story with some pictures if I get them onto a comp. Hope you guys are having "fun" in the states.
hollerrr.
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